Dick Jokes All The Way Down
It’s a cold, damp afternoon, but the Whirling-in-Rags is warm and dry--the perfect place for a little reading and relaxation. The lieutenant is seated across the table from you, buried in his case notes as you catch up on the Dick Mullen novel you just bought.
ESPRIT DE CORPS: He is not paying any attention to you, but if he were, he would not approve of your time management decisions.
DICK MULLEN AND THE CASE OF THE MISFORTUNATOLOGIST: This is a nice, brand new copy of one of Dick Mullen’s recent adventures. The pages are crisp, fresh, intact. And inscribed upon them, the tumultuous tale of the time Dick Mullen seduced a beautiful dame, then solved the shockingly grisly murder mystery with which said dame became entangled. But in a different way than the other ones. It’s got a new, sexier dame and a new, more shocking murder. They really broke out the good horse glue for this one, that’s for sure.
Dick Mullen must investigate the mysterious disappearance of a reclusive misfortunatologist, who had vanished from his workshop one stormy night without a trace. The only clues Dick has to work with are a dead pig and a couple pieces of jewelry, which eventually lead him to the strange but beautiful heiress who was the last person to see him alive. There are also some other suspects, like the wealthy owner of a hotel next door to the workshop, and a street performer with a grudge. Which one of them is the culprit? Or perhaps the misfortunate misfortunatologist was simply the victim of his own research…
PERCEPTION: Lieutenant Kitsuragi sighs and crosses out whatever he’s just written. Then the cafeteria is quiet for a while as the two of you work and fuck around respectively, each absorbed in your separate tasks.
DICK MULLEN AND THE CASE OF THE MISFORTUNATOLOGIST: Here comes the first big twist! Turns out the misfortunatologist was alive all along. But the day after he returns, Dick finds him lying dead in a pool of blood. Suspicion is immediately cast on the street performer who had been making seemingly empty threats for years, but where is the murder weapon?
“The murder weapon could be anywhere,” you remark under your breath.
“Yes, I agree,” Kim says disinterestedly, half-listening.
“If the killer is a skilled enough mime...” Realization dawns, and you can only trail off in horror.
“I’m sorry?” Kim looks up from his notes.
“Kim, it’s a deadly mistake to underestimate a mime. Especially when it comes to murder.” You narrow your eyes. “My God, it’s the perfect crime. Dick is fucked, I don’t know how he’s going to solve this one. He’ll never find the murder weapon.”
“Yes, well, I wouldn’t worry too much,” the lieutenant says seriously. “Dick has certainly been in tight spots like this before, wouldn’t you say?”
His face is expressionless as he looks back down at his work.
SUGGESTION: Oh, is that the game he wants to play?
RHETORIC: He has no idea what he’s up against.
“You’re right, Dick will slip right out of this situation,” you agree, nodding.
“Exactly,” Kim says without even looking up from his notes. “You can’t keep Dick down.”
You nod some more, trying to buy time to think of more dick jokes.
EMPATHY: His expression is still unreadable, but he seems to be waiting for your next volley. His nose is buried in his notebook, but the scratching of the pen has stopped completely.
“He just keeps pounding until he reaches the climax of the case,” you retort.
“Dick always stands up for justice,” Kim immediately adds.
RHETORIC: Fuck. He’s really a professional at this.
LOGIC: Wait, let’s think this through. Go over all the options, really analyze the components necessary for--
HALF-LIGHT: No, it’s too late for that. It’s a war of attrition now. You have to just keep saying things as quickly as possible to win it.
“That Dick has a huge case load,” you ramble desperately.
Kim raises an eyebrow and, for the first time since this began, ever so slightly smirks.
ESPRIT DE CORPS: There, he thinks, you’re out of ideas. A lesser man might consider this a win already, but Lieutenant Kim Kitsuragi never backs down. He has the opportunity to absolutely destroy you, and he is going to take it.
Kim takes a slow, deliberate breath and gently places his pen on the table. Then he looks you right in the eye as he delivers the coup de grace.
“You can’t crush Dick,” he says, gazing at you over his steepled fingers. “No matter how hard you stomp on him, he always gets back up. He'll just keep coming and coming, no matter what.”
RHETORIC: Wow.
CONCEPTUALIZATION: That’s...
ELECTROCHEMISTRY: Huh.
“Uh,” you stammer awkwardly. You’ve got nothing.
“You were a worthy opponent, detective,” he says as he goes back to his paperwork. “And that’s why I’m proud to say I was able to beat you off.”
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT: And that’s a K.O., ladies and gentlemen.
Nearby, Garte makes a horrible choking noise and splutters, “Oh for fuck’s sake!”